School’s out 4ever

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Wearing sunglasses non-stop to hide my itchy, sun-sensitive eyes!

 

It’s spring. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, and my allergies are back with a vengeance.

I started writing this at my desk on my last day in office for my internship, mostly to prevent me from annoying my office-mate who actually had real work to do. After a solid 19 years of schooling, the idea that I’ve finished a year of school with no further school in the picture is rather shocking. It’s disrupted my whole life sequence. I can’t remember what it was like to not be in school, or at least be in anticipation of it.

For the first time in my life, I’m wrapping up a chapter without a clear projection of what will follow it. I’m basically living out the emotional state sixth-grade student experiences when they realize they actually need to write an ending for their cringe-y short story assignment, and all they can come up with is “and then they woke up and it was all a dream” so they scribble it down as if it’s the most original idea that every crossed their still-developing mind.

I’ve been casually browsing the internet for advice on what to do during this “purpose void” I’ve mentally built up. As far as I can tell, these are my only options:

Get a job

Honestly, this would be ideal, but it is harder said than done. In this economy? In this job market? Sounds fake. Also, having a job just doesn’t hit the same when you have to wait months for your health benefits to kick in (if they’re even offered).

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Cover letter is off to a strong start.

Join a pyramid scheme

This isn’t hard with the sheer number of instagram “Hey girl!” bubbles that land in my DMs. Within moments I could be part of a long train of girls trying to peddle hair and skin products not approved by the FDA, attempting to convince people that all of the bad reviews and customer complaints are circumstantial and blown out of proportion. All I have to do is spend countless hours on Instagram searching for girls I think are even more gullible and desperate than me.

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I already have an in.

Go to Bali and “find myself”

This one seems promising. If I dig deep into my bank account, I can probably find enough funds to book a round trip to Southeast Asia. After partying hard and trashing beaches all night at low-cost raves in Thailand with no reverence for the locals, I’ll zip over to Bali to cleanse my soul with yoga and beautiful spas. I might even think I’ve become more enlightened by sitting in picturesque pools and immersing myself amongst the (gentrified version of) a foreign culture.

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Instagram search: Bali

I’ll definitely take at least 200 instragammable photos to post from now until the end of time, ready to post one when a natural disaster strikes Indonesia as a result of climate change crisis (e.g. the capital might have to be moved from Jakarta, displacing millions and potentially creating climate crisis refugees) with a caption such as “my heart bleeds to see this beautiful place I visited experiencing such pain </3”. In the event that life-ending disaster doesn’t strike, I’ll make sure to post photos about the importance of travel, with other captions such as “The world is a book, and those who do not travel read but a page“, “Take only memories, leave only footprints”, and “I think I was born to live in a hut on a beach <3”.

 

Fake my own death

I’ve read Gone Girl too many times and now kind of just want to try to see if I could get away with it.

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This is the most iconic monologue in modern film and no one can convince me otherwise.

 

Real talk, I kind of feel this sense of emptiness about being done school for the foreseeable future, and I’m genuinely going to miss having access to JSTOR. The change is terrifying, but it’s also incredibly liberating. I have nothing planned and no schedules to meet.

And that’s okay.

Coming up next: I’m going on hiatus for the summer!

Backup plan

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Looking for potential job opportunities!

 

As yet another week has passed where I have not secured full-time employment, my parents urge me to develop a “backup plan” for when my dreams and aspirations of working in PR/MarComm fall through.

My parents, who I disappointed by going into English and Creative writing rather than a STEM-related university program , have been expressing their extreme fear that I will be a poor, jobless loser until I die for the majority of the past four years. As more time passes, the fear only gets stronger. They’re still trying to convince me to apply for medical or law school.

I’m beginning that think that they may be making some points, as I only have $18 to my name at the moment. Maybe I should start to think of alternative career paths. After some intense job market research and deep soul searching, I have developed the following options:

 

Blackjack Scammer

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Image courtesy of pexels.com

Inspired by 21, the 2008 film that glorified being good at math, I could develop the ability to count cards, enabling me to “scam the system” in games of blackjack. Perhaps I’d even assemble a team to streamline the process.

After a year or two of winning large sums of money in casinos in Las Vegas and Monaco, I’ll disappear into a nice suburban lifestyle and pay for everything with suspicious amounts of cash.

Pros: short career length with significant financial compensation
Cons: doing math
Risks: I could be horrible at this and end up only losing money

 

Go on the Bachelor

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Pexels.com really had my back on this post

 

The skeptics may wonder: How can I turn this into a career? I’ll explain.

Step One: Apply to be a contestant on the Bachelor. I’m young, cute, and looking for love.

Step Two: Play it well. I’ll be the perfect balance of nice while maintaining a personality, and try to get some of the fans to my side.

Step Three: As the show’s token ethnic minority, I have to make it decent way into the show. I hope that my charm and fan support gets me to the part where he meets my family. My mom, who has no verbal filter and has the tendency to say typically rude things without considering the impact, will probably unintentionally read Brad-Chad-Chris-Hunter-Whatever-His-Name-Is for filth.

Step Four: When the show airs, that segment goes viral, potentially becomes an internet meme. I’m immortalized as the contestant whose mom ROASTED the bachelor.

Step Five: I don’t win The Bachelor. This is expected: the winner is the skinniest, blondest contestant (as per usual).

Step Six: I use my internet popularity to feed my launch into being a social media influencer, and further use this platform to progress my career as a writer.

Step Seven: Years down the road, I do Dancing with the Stars or something equally desperate to cling to my withering remnants of pop culture relevancy.

Step Eight: Retire early with whatever funds I’ve saved up and live out a mysterious, reclusive life like Emily Dickinson.

Pros: money, fame, minimal effort output
Cons: probably will never be able to hold a corporate job after
Risks: there’s a 99% chance I’m too ugly to get on The Bachelor

 

Start an underground raccoon fighting ring

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Image from rad raccoon

Raccoons are considered pests by most, and I doubt many would complain about their disappearance. Additionally, chicken and dog fighting is so normie and cliché. Unfortunately, because of the illegality and inconspicuous nature of the animal fighting industry, there isn’t a lot of available guidance.

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I hope the government agent spying on my google searches does not flag me 🙂

In order to achieve this, I would have to poach a few young raccoons and raise them as fighters. I’d have to figure out how to gather attention from interested audiences and other potential participants, as well as a fighting location and framework. Of course, this would take years of investment and planning to grow into a stable form of income, but what start-up doesn’t?

Pros: potential to be lucrative as heck
Cons: this is definitely an animals rights violation and I would hate myself for it
Risks: probably going to prison forever, also: rabies

 

The truth is I’m terrified that I might have no job prospects, and that I’ll have to actually think of a secondary career plan. I have this overwhelming fear that I’ve wasted my time, that I’ve wasted my parents’ money on education, and that I’ll never be as successful as my peers who have already found full-time employment in their field of choice, or are living their dreams in professional school. I’m frankly afraid I’m not enough; the application process has a knack of feeding that fear. I’m still fighting to overcome it, and maybe you are too.

And that’s okay.

Comment your “backup plan”!

Coming up next: school’s out 4ever