As yet another week has passed where I have not secured full-time employment, my parents urge me to develop a “backup plan” for when my dreams and aspirations of working in PR/MarComm fall through.
My parents, who I disappointed by going into English and Creative writing rather than a STEM-related university program , have been expressing their extreme fear that I will be a poor, jobless loser until I die for the majority of the past four years. As more time passes, the fear only gets stronger. They’re still trying to convince me to apply for medical or law school.
I’m beginning that think that they may be making some points, as I only have $18 to my name at the moment. Maybe I should start to think of alternative career paths. After some intense job market research and deep soul searching, I have developed the following options:
Inspired by 21, the 2008 film that glorified being good at math, I could develop the ability to count cards, enabling me to “scam the system” in games of blackjack. Perhaps I’d even assemble a team to streamline the process.
After a year or two of winning large sums of money in casinos in Las Vegas and Monaco, I’ll disappear into a nice suburban lifestyle and pay for everything with suspicious amounts of cash.
Pros: short career length with significant financial compensation
Cons: doing math
Risks: I could be horrible at this and end up only losing money
Go on the Bachelor
The skeptics may wonder: How can I turn this into a career? I’ll explain.
Step One: Apply to be a contestant on the Bachelor. I’m young, cute, and looking for love.
Step Two: Play it well. I’ll be the perfect balance of nice while maintaining a personality, and try to get some of the fans to my side.
Step Three: As the show’s token ethnic minority, I have to make it decent way into the show. I hope that my charm and fan support gets me to the part where he meets my family. My mom, who has no verbal filter and has the tendency to say typically rude things without considering the impact, will probably unintentionally read Brad-Chad-Chris-Hunter-Whatever-His-Name-Is for filth.
Step Four: When the show airs, that segment goes viral, potentially becomes an internet meme. I’m immortalized as the contestant whose mom ROASTED the bachelor.
Step Five: I don’t win The Bachelor. This is expected: the winner is the skinniest, blondest contestant (as per usual).
Step Six: I use my internet popularity to feed my launch into being a social media influencer, and further use this platform to progress my career as a writer.
Step Seven: Years down the road, I do Dancing with the Stars or something equally desperate to cling to my withering remnants of pop culture relevancy.
Step Eight: Retire early with whatever funds I’ve saved up and live out a mysterious, reclusive life like Emily Dickinson.
Pros: money, fame, minimal effort output
Cons: probably will never be able to hold a corporate job after
Risks: there’s a 99% chance I’m too ugly to get on The Bachelor
Start an underground raccoon fighting ring
Raccoons are considered pests by most, and I doubt many would complain about their disappearance. Additionally, chicken and dog fighting is so normie and cliché. Unfortunately, because of the illegality and inconspicuous nature of the animal fighting industry, there isn’t a lot of available guidance.
In order to achieve this, I would have to poach a few young raccoons and raise them as fighters. I’d have to figure out how to gather attention from interested audiences and other potential participants, as well as a fighting location and framework. Of course, this would take years of investment and planning to grow into a stable form of income, but what start-up doesn’t?
Pros: potential to be lucrative as heck
Cons: this is definitely an animals rights violation and I would hate myself for it
Risks: probably going to prison forever, also: rabies
The truth is I’m terrified that I might have no job prospects, and that I’ll have to actually think of a secondary career plan. I have this overwhelming fear that I’ve wasted my time, that I’ve wasted my parents’ money on education, and that I’ll never be as successful as my peers who have already found full-time employment in their field of choice, or are living their dreams in professional school. I’m frankly afraid I’m not enough; the application process has a knack of feeding that fear. I’m still fighting to overcome it, and maybe you are too.
And that’s okay.
Comment your “backup plan”!